MATTERS OF THE HEART-
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"More die of heartbreak than anything else. Yet, there are no mass movements against heartbreak or demonstrations in the streets"
--Saul Bellow
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I imagine you've noticed that one of the most common themes on blogs, profiles, etc. involves the suffering caused by difficulties men and women have getting on well together especially over the long term. The other frequent topics focus on relationships (or lack thereof) between parent-child, siblings, parents, bosses, work partners, Teachers, pets, and the rest. If you want to know how content someone is, ask them how their primary relationships are going (At this point, women readers are saying "DUHHH" whereas guys are more inclined to see if this is headed anywhere useful).
For now, let's stick to the male-female romantic relationships. It's common to come across a guy who posts some variation of the following (naturally, women write their variations on similar themes).
" I am a decent guy, a good man, raised to treat women as a gentleman. I live my life by this belief. I'd never abuse a woman or a child. I live by the protect serve, and cherish creed. I have a job. I am faithful. I don't drink, smoke, drug, gamble....no major vices. So, why do I have women problems ? What am I doing wrong ? I can't figure her out. What is the deal ?Am I screwed up ?"
During and after divorce, similar questions arise.
"What did I do wrong ? Where did things go wrong ? I thought I was doing a good job with the serve, provide, and protect end of the deal. I told her she was pretty everyday, read some things about listening to women rather than problem solving. Okay, I wasn't so good listening to every single story about her day. I didn't like answering the questions about how my day went. Why would I want to talk about my day ? I did my best to get the foreplay deal and not pressure her for sex; when I didn't bring it up for a while she'd ask me if I was having an affair or tell me I didn't find her attractive.
I have been a good father. I love my kids. When I wasn't around and missed kid events I was out working. We don't have enough so I work more only to hear "you're never around". So, now the divorce is happening to me ( these days 70 % of divorces are initiated by women). Feels like I am losing everything. It does seem men don't fare so well in family court. What is with the 'every other weekend and one evening a week' get to see my kids schedule ? How come it doesn't matter if my son wants to stay with me ? How come all our friends are acting weird, doing the disappearing act ? How do I protect my kids from the devastation ? How do I get over not seeing my kids everyday ? How do I avoid becoming bitter and cynical ? How do I not make the same mistake again ? How do I pick the right woman ? How do I teach my sons to pick the right woman ? How do I teach my daughters to spot snakes and to pick the right man ? How come nobody seems to know fathers make a difference in their kids lives ? How do I help my kids deal with the stuff thrown their ways these days ? "
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WHAT IF WE HAD ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS, SOLUTIONS TO SUCH PROBLEMS?
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we do
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ANTIDOTES TO HEARTBREAK
Our scientific and technological achievements have not been matched by progress in understanding ourselves or facilitating interpersonal harmony. We split the atom, mapped the human genome, built machines and computers that do extraordinary things, been to the moon, built a space station, and now we have robots that are learning to do almost anything. Yet, the divorce rate, crime rate, suicide rate, mental health problem rate, and every other rate is skyrocketing; we are dumber than door nails when it comes to ourselves.
Einstein's observation and warning seems truer now than 60 years ago: "Everything has changed but the way we think". At the end of the day, on our deathbeds, it all boils down to matters of the heart. We are social creatures. We need relationships whether we want them or not. We have never been worse at relationships than now. What is wrong with this picture ?
People get rich and famous pointing out that they learned the most important lessons in life during kindergarten. Though most everything rides on how well or poorly we get on with other people, there is no established curriculum in kindergarten or anyplace else designed to teach us how best to maximize our chances of getting on well with each other. Something is wrong.
Well........, I have a 'Secret' bigger than "The Secret". Though we have the information, wisdom and 'technology', that would constitute one huge step for all individuals and one giant leap for humankind toward improving our relationships, we haven't seen fit to get the word out. Truth be told, over the past quarter century psychologists have made extraordinary advances that in so many ways----that could could dramatically reduce relationship wrecks---that could help us get it right. Problem is that psychologists don't know how to talk to the decision makers or don't care enough to leave their offices to take this stuff into their communities. Please read the following example carefully, suspending your disbelief; there are no exaggerations.
1) We have the ability to predict with 93-97 % accuracy which couples will make it or not simply by watching a snippet--10 seconds--of a video of a couple handling conflict. Yes, that means we could tell couples prior to marriage or any long term relationship whether or not they'll make it. More than 25 years of painstaking work has resulted in the development of 6-12 hour EDUCATIONAL programs known to reduce by 50 % the chances of break-up. Participation in such a class one time improves marital and sexual satisfaction, etc. not to mention numerous benefits for children that are measurable 10 years down the road. These educational programs focus solely on passing along information and teaching skills--there is no psychobabble. Folks, some branches of the military include these programs----they are guy friendly.
Imagine if we started teaching this stuff in high schools and colleges; practice tends to make one better. If we can reduce by 50 % break-ups simply by attending one 6-12 hour course, imagine what results we could see if we taught this stuff in schools over 4-8 years. Aside from kids getting easy 'A''s, we'd be reducing by 90 % the rate of relationship failures. Now, let's not forget we can predict with 93-97 % accuracy which couples will make it and which won't. We can help people pick the right partners from the beginning.
One of the reasons for the Warrior Traditions site is for people of like mind to bat around ideas, share stories, and pass along useful information. There are no rules against talking about ways to minimize relationship problems. Hell, guys have already started letting guards down to write of things we aren't even supposed to be smart or sensitive enough to know about. Nobody has started sobbing slobber and snot through cyber-space onto your keyboard. So, far so good. On to the next step.
We all want our relationships to go better. We want to minimize unnecessary suffering. If we can predict with up to 97 % accuracy whether a couple will make it or not simply by watching a snippet--10 seconds--of a video of a couple dealing some some little conflict, isn't it time we start letting our buddies in on the news ?
Here is one 'secret' you can take to the bank. If you see contempt in the eyes of your partner, it's time to make peace with the fact you are running on borrowed time. If you are deciding to get serious, move in with, or marry a woman who has already revealed contempt---you are out of your damn mind or so damn depressed you can't think straight.. If you actually follow through with it---knowing what you know now---God help you. I learned the hard way. Frankly, I didn't know better. My expectations about marriage were way off. I figured if the woman wasn't deliberately trying to cause me harm, then things were good. If I am honest about it, I ignored the warning signs. By the time I allowed myself to 'see' the contempt we were several years into a 17 year marriage. I should make it clear I was not a pushover. I made very clear that certain things were off limits if we tied the knot...."no door slamming, no crocodile tears, no throwing or hitting, no screaming like a lunatic, no head games, no talking to me like I'm 3 years old or thinking you can boss me around or talking to me like I'm a 4th class citizen etc". I don't think my expectations were too high.
However, I realized I couldn't stop her from feeling contempt or revealing it in her eyes. The contempt grew as the years passed. It appeared more often, became more intense, and seemed able to 'justify' itself. Strange things become acceptable to a person who allows contempt to take up more and more space in their soul. Really, anything goes. Infidelity is no big deal. Lying is just a part of everyday life. Over time, contempt grows like a tumor. It just keeps growing till it gets bigger than the body it has seized. Contempt can become a monster. Nothing is off limits. Everything is fair game.
I was aware of the contempt and watched it grow. I knew pretty early on it really had little to do with me. Contempt reveals everything about the contemptuous person but little or nothing about the object of contempt. I experienced all the emotions from despair to rage to indifference, felt them all at once, experienced the ebb and flow. Frankly, I didn't take it personally. I didn't develop 'low self-esteem' or consider myself to be a lousy husband or human being. I thought it was bouncing off of me even some of the worst of it. By the time, I was informed the divorce papers were being prepared, I couldn't say I was shocked---but I wasn't surprised.
Curiously, I had had plenty of experience facing contemptuous eyes before I hit my teen age years. Maybe, that was a bad thing. I just took it as a given. And during my divorce, I found myself surrounded by so many eyes filled with contempt. I did know enough to know that sitting in a roomful of people whose eyes were filled with contempt was spooky--even though I didn't take it personally. It took me a long time to admit that contempt had affected me. Very strange. I was very aware that staring into the eyes of contempt was not fun--it could be unsettling. I knew I became less emotionally 'present'. I felt less alive, less adventurous, lost a sense of wonder and mystery. My expectations about people were lowered considerably. I think it contributed to symptoms of PTSD, depression, and insomnia. Eventually, I concluded that locking on to contemptuous eyes was looking into the abyss---looking into the eyes of the Monster.
Enough for now. I need to determine how to use words to describe the effects contempt had on me before I pass along how I got about flushing it out of my system. Yeah, I am all better---flushed it all out......yeah....
Meantime, how do y'all distinguish disrespect from contempt if you do ? Where have you encountered it ? Is it harder to deal with coming from a man or woman, father or mother, and god forbid--from a child ? What makes us ignore contempt---because we think it can't hurt us ? Do you remember seeing contempt in the eyes of a lover ? How long did it take before you knew what it meant ? Describe contemptuous eyes.
Keep in mind, that we are about solutions and remedies and tips and getting things right in our relationships with the opposite sex. Most people know the war stories, there are only so many variations. Let's not get bogged down in war stories. We need to toss out tips and ideas about returning to center, getting rooted below, flexible above, and so on. We have sons and daughters and friends to pass this stuff to. There will be solutions, suggestions, recommendations, lists of do's and don'ts, paint by number instructions. If you think about it, we are in decent shape. We learn and train, hit the fundamentals hard.
It's a good day to train
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"One must learn from the bite of a fire to leave it alone "
---Sioux
"He who would do great things should not attempt them all alone"
---Seneca
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Tags: Contempt Intimate Relationships Divorce Marriage Conflict Dr Kevin Keo
