(This is Part I of II on this topic. It seems necessary to lay out some background information to make it easier to understand how/why ways male warriors seem so vulnerable in dealings with women. I trust you won't dismiss Part I as a bunch of psychobabble. It matches my experience as a kid, and my son tells me it's basically the same game for his generation. Most of this stuff is covered in a book by a Harvard professor, Carol Gilligan, called "In A Different Voice"--and there is general acceptance of her take on things.
So...I am working to make these posts shorter and less 'heady'. There are a lot of predatory intellectual elites intent on intimidating our young people, leading them to distrust their positions on important topics. We're socialized to believe that if some Ivy league intellectual or doctor or whatever sort wrote something, it is inherently 'better' than those 'lacking' 'advanced' 'education'. I've spent lots of time taking on the intellectual elite---so I've had to present ideas in a more formal manner---that doesn't necessarily click as well with 'salt of the earth folks'. It's one of those "when in Rome do as the Romans do' things. Anyway, I appreciate patience people have shown despite these way too long and detailed posts).
"Only two relationships are possible---to be a friend or to be an enemy"
CREE
Male warriors tend to manifest at least one---usually two--blind spots in their dealings with women. I imagine most warriors are taught to follow the same rules and principles to guide interactions with females. The fundamentals become more or less hard-wired in our systems by the time we are 5 years old. The things we aren't taught about women combined with the hard-wired rules we learn so well set us up for serious problems with girls and women over the course of our lives. Warriors enter interpersonal battles with women at a major disadvantage from the get-go. Early lessons are the hardest to unlearn. A single woman--a little girl---poses more danger to a warrior than a group of predators. It seems the most serious injuries incurred by warriors are inflicted by women; these wounds are the most painful and most difficult to heal.
The instructions passed on to boys in my generation were simple to remember, not always easy to follow, though the punishment for violations of the rules was so severe it got much easier to walk the line---fair or not. The basic talk went something like this: "you NEVER hit a girl, you always protect girls, you are far stronger than girls, you don't raise your voice to girls, and if you raise a fist to intimidate a girl expect to get a serious beating. You don't tease girls, the way you treat your sisters tells fathers how you will treat their daughters, honor your father but honor your mother more. Holidays are really just variations on Mother's Day. It doesn't matter if the girl started it or how dirty she plays--you follow the rules or the belt comes out. It doesn't matter if they are irrational and mean--they are just girls. Boys don't cry, if you cry like a girl---I'll give you something to cry about, Mama's boy. Do as your mother says. Tell your mother she cooked a good dinner, looks pretty, did the house up nice. Always be respectful around girls. Bottom line: mothers matter more than fathers, no matter what your sisters do you take it---fair doesn't have anything to do with it. Treat the girls at school with respect. Open doors for them, help them get seated, give them a hand with their jackets, carry their books, and soon on.
The differences in the way boys and girls are socialized adds to male blind spots and vulnerabilities. Boys are required to cut ties with mothers around the age of five. Essentially, boys are pushed out of the maternal nest and given the message to toughen up, don't cry, get used to being self-contained. Girls are expected to maintain close relationships with mothers throughout life. So, mothers and daughters talk about thoughts and feelings bringing in to their circles other mothers and daughters--creating this little community of girls and women supporting each other, getting points for crying, and sharing hopes and fears. In a way, the umbilical cord connecting mother and daughter remains intact and is protected from cuts. It is critical to recognize that 5 year old boys and girls have similar needs for maternal care and attention. So boys are traumatized in a real way by the severed umbilical cord. Boys pass through a very rough period when their umbilical cords to moms are severed. This cut off simply happens without adults knowing they are operating this way.
As boys move through the pain and confusion this cut off causes, they can't bring it up for discussion because 'it never really happened'. So, boys are stuck with a real sense something uncool just happened but generally they don't know how to talk about it. Those who do are told not to worry--nothing changed--mommy loves you. Boys are left trying to figure out if they are imagining things......can we trust our perceptions or not ? At the end of the day, boys conclude they can't necessarily trust what they see and hear no matter how real it seemed to them. Even more, boys are left with a yearning for closeness and affection that never goes away. Boys turn to each other at this point to hang out and do what boys do----bud around together. No 'feeling talk', sharing hopes and fears, no crying.
So boys 'do' things.....sports, mischief, adventures, video games, just hanging. Usually conflict is resolved fast because you can't play basketball with one less guy, or even video games I imagine. Boys have their own guidelines and codes-usually unspoken--to grease the wheels in their relationships. This whole sequence creates the sense that 'guys need to stick together on some stuff'. Remember, boys grow up in a world mostly ruled by women---moms are around more, babysitters are always girls, grade school teachers are mostly women. So, boys are exposed to more disapproval, dislike, and worse. My son has told how crazy things were in the first 3-4 years of school. He says boys were always getting in trouble. He was quite clear that the female teachers just didn't like boys unless the boy acted more like girls. Many boys start feeling like second class citizens. The basic message received according to my son is ''you aren't okay like you are....you need to settle down and become more like girls".
I can't tell you how many mothers bring in their sons to see me because they are too violent---use tree branches as pretend guns, play army, wrestle around, like fighting shows on tv !!!!!!!........when the father isn't around to tell the mother to take a chill, the boys get pegged as having 'behavior problems'. They really have a hard time believing me, wonder if I am into turning boys into tough guys, etc. They start to come around when I tell them the stuff we did as boys, Single mothers essentially need someone to play surrogate father so they ease off when as they observe me laying down the law......as I play kung fu with them. You should see the faces when I tell mothers that we spent some time playing kung fu or when I recommend a martial art. "He's too violent all ready and you want to teach him to be more violent and good at it " ?
My usual response is some version of this : " Mrs. so and so, your son is fine--he is a boy--he needs to be around men so get him into a good martial arts school. He doesn't have 'head problems' However, you will ensure he has plenty of them if you don't listen to the fathers you are getting advice from. I don't want to see him for 'psychotherapy'--I won't. If you want to pay me to spend time with your son, you need to know I will tell him to consider me a coach cause we will be talking guy stuff, playing kung fu, chatting about how women don't tend to 'get' boys, etc. Usually, they keep coming until I hook them up with enough decent male role models in the community. After school activities provide some relief with male coaches.
As boys become men, women so inclined, deliberately exploit our blind spots and aim their arrows at our Achilles Heels. We don't like admitting they can hurt us. We tend to minimize how much we are hurting. We aren't inclined to talk to people about any of this. And things start to seem dark and lonely and near impossible to find a way out.
Next up---fessing up to my experiences with women.....not looking forward to this one. I'd be out of my damn mind to be excited to remember and write about the most agonizing experiences in my life----feeling weak.......and worse. Maybe we'll call it the weak warrior syndrome or confessions of a weak warrior or I'm pitiful. Whatever--if not for a dark sense of humor, who knows.......................
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